WHY WOMEN SHOULD DATE

AFTER DIVORCE
By Barry J. Roche

Divorce is a major life change and so it's usually very stressful. This is why you may be experiencing a lot of nervous tension and poor sleep (and why you need to start taking care of yourself and your health). When it comes to post-marriage issues such as dating after divorce, again different people react in different ways. For many women, dating is about the last thing on their mind. In the early stages of separation and divorce, you're more likely to be feeling hurt, angry, betrayed, depressed, frightened, nervous and even guilty.

Issues surrounding the children, living arrangements, access, how you're going to get by financially and property settlement are going to be more important than dating some new man. You may even be "over men", at least temporarily. It may be that you are still in love with your husband and you are experiencing that sense of loss and grief. Sometimes separation and divorce are harder than if your spouse had died in a car accident - at least that way, there's no chance of you running into him down the street!

There are no hard and fast rules as to when women should date after divorce. Divorce is a process - not just a legal and practical one, but an emotional and psychological journey as well. What we have found though is that it is tougher to deal with where the other party has already entered into a new relationship with someone else, and you haven't. You can feel a lot of anger and resentment in such circumstances. Why, because you feel like a victim - cast off for someone newer, prettier, younger or perhaps he's just discovered he's gay!

From an emotional point of view, coping successfully with divorce involves:-

(a) Letting go of old habits, patterns, expectations and dependencies.

(b) Accepting what you can't change and learning to let go of hurt, fear, blame, guilt and resentment.

(c) Re-evaluating your own expectations so you don't repeat past mistakes.

(d) Forming a a balanced view of your new situation.

(e) Re-building your self-confidence to develop a new intimate relationship.

Here, we're concerned with (e) above. We know that you may be completely dis-interested in dating or having any sort of intimate relationship with another man right now. That's okay but there will be

a time when this isn't the case. Don't believe us? How many divorced women do you already know who haven't gone on to form new relationships or re-marry - not many probably! Guess what, the same thing is very likely going to happen to you also. It's just a question of when.

What's more important is knowing when you're ready to start dating. Starting too soon or for the wrong reasons is not going to help re-build your self-confidence or help you develop an openness to new intimate relationships. Let's not overlook the fact that you may be the one who wants the divorce. You may already be in a relationship with someone other than your husband. These days, the world is a two-way street right!

We've known some women who have started dating almost immediately. Others may enjoy what are known as "transitional sex partners". These are usually people who become good friends and bed partners during the intervening period between divorce and falling in love again.

One of the major issues for women when they're ready to start dating is where and how to start. Personally, we believe that you should start by simply getting together with friends or work colleagues for fun, relaxation and enjoyment. Men can spot a desperate housewife a mile off! It's often when you stop worrying about finding a new man that everything starts to fall into place. If you are having a good time, you'll automatically make an impact and attract attention. No one wants to be around someone who doesn't have a sense of humour or who is depressed and untalkative!

Another way to start is via online dating. If you're careful and cautious, you'll probably find it far more preferable to going to bars and clubs. The best part about online dating is that you simply start out chatting online. You aren't dealing with anyone face to face and so rejection is not an issue. He doesn't know your address or phone number and you aren't under any obligations!

These days, there are many online dating services available. You can take your pick. However, the services featured on our website have been around for some time. With some others, you really don't know who or what you're actually dealing with.

So, be cautious - make sure you're the one in control and never give out your address or phone number. If and when you choose to meet some cyber friend in person, make sure it is in a safe environment and away from your home or workplace.

Women should date after divorce. It may be a bit more complicated where you have children but you has a life too. Remember, every day of your children's lives ... is a day of yours!